DEADLY IDEAS FOR ALCOHOL RECOVERY

You have a family member, friend, or someone you deeply care about, and you suspect they have a drinking problem? If you want to get them help, and maximize your chances for a healthy recovery not just for your loved one, but also for you, then the right thing to do is schedule a first call with me.

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There are at least five common, deadly ideas about helping an alcoholic stop drinking. They are:

1. You have to wait for them to hit bottom

The first and most deadly idea is that you have to wait for them to harm themselves or for tragedy to befall them for them to find the willingness or the "gift of desperation" in order to get sober. Look to the NIH for a moment: Consider that more than a fifth of suicides in the United States have blood alcohol concentrations of 0.1% or more, that over 140,000 people annually die from alcohol-related deaths, and that alcohol misuse costs the United States economy a quarter trillion dollars annually. Addiction is the number one cause of premature death in the United States. Hands down, and without question.

Waiting for someone to hit bottom is not a good strategy because it is extremely likely they will not bounce back up, and they may take someone else out with them on their way down.

What to do instead: Set strong boundaries. Do not engage in any enabling behavior. Make a direct request for them to cease their behavior, seek professional help, and follow the instructions of clinical professionals. Do not fund the disease either by lending money, giving money, or taking care of expenses. Seek the help of a professional interventionist. Before they hit their bottom.

2. This is a Moral Failure

There's a difference between guilt and shame. Guilt is the feeling we get after we've done something that doesn't align with our values. We feel guilty for doing something. Shame is the crippling feeling we get when we believe we are not worthy of connection. We feel shame about ourselves. Many people use alcohol to cope with feelings of guilt. The problem is that it only converts guilt into shame.

You might feel very angry at your person. That anger is valid, and you have every right to tell them that you are angry. That can be very helpful. Saying you are angry and you need time away or space to process that anger is honest, and helpful boundary setting. But letting that anger bubble out into shaming your loved one isn't helpful. It will only serve to make them (and probably you) sicker.

Shaming a person into stopping never works. Chances are, your loved one has vowed to themselves on a regular basis to never drink again. That is if their disease hasn't progressed to the point where they have to keep drinking in order to stop shaking. The problem is, they already believe they are a moral failure. They've already got enough guilt and shame built up, and it's not serving to fix the problem. Making them feel bad about their drinking won't help.

What to do instead: Think about it as if it were diabetes, heart disease, hypertension, or asthma rather than alcoholism. Focus on the disease, not the person. Give your loved one a seat at the table and, as loving partners or family members, seek professional help for this disease. When you're ready, I'm happy to be your guide in the process.

3. They're the problem

"Alcoholism is a family disease" is almost a cliche. But it's true. Want to know the thing people who work in recovery really wish that people who don't would really understand and take to heart? It's this. It is a systemic problem. Where there is alcohol use disorder, there is a family disorder. There are systems that have been built to enable this behavior, and those systems include incentives for every member of the family unit. If you want your loved one to stop drinking, and you want them to commit to doing the work involved to get into recovery, you must commit to doing that work on yourself, too.

That means if you want your loved one to be willing to go to AA, you need to be willing to go to Alanon. If you want your loved one to go to therapy, you must be willing to go as well. If you want your loved one to make amends to you, you must work to make yourself open to receiving those amends, and even be willing to make amends yourself.

The whole family has work to do. Where there is alcoholism there is usually generational trauma, mental health problems, abuse, or other contributing factors.

What to do instead: They are not the problem. Addiction is the problem. Acknowledge that you are suffering from the disease as well, and take a look at that. It may be a different kind of suffering, but it's still suffering. Commit to doing the work you need to do in order to both stay mentally healthy and also eradicate the disease from the family. Commit to being in recovery yourself by making a decision to stop enabling or suffering from this disease. Commit to working a program of recovery yourself by seeking out the right support groups or recovery coach for you. If you need help finding someone, book a time with me and I'll help you chart a course. A quick first call with me is always free.

4. You are responsible

In a one-on-one battle with addiction, addiction always wins. When you alone try and talk your loved one into recovery, your loved one's addiction will always win. It's like trying to argue with a tree: it just doesn't follow the same rules. Worse than trying to talk someone into recovery is taking responsibility for their recovery (or lack thereof) which will end in hurt and sickness. Usually, family members are much too charged to make helpful decisions. A lot of the time, they're angry and at their last straw. This isn't a place where you can help a sick person get better.

What to do instead: Fire yourself as the CEO of someone else's recovery. Build a support network. It might be morbid but think of the people who would sit in the front row of your loved one's funeral. Reach out to them. Also, visit an Alanon meeting and share what you're going through. You'll be of service to them, and they'll be of service, too. And seek professional guidance. I'm happy to help if you need it. Just book a time with me.

5. They have to do it for themselves

There's this idea that your loved one has to do it on their own, and they won't really be able to beat their addiction unless they make the decision to do it for themselves. And while it's true that eventually, someone must make the decision to be in recovery for themselves if they want to have a long, stable recovery, quitting drinking, entering treatment, and even building a long-term program of sobriety does not require them to do it selfishly.

Plenty of people receive a "nudge from a judge" and build programs of long-term sobriety. I've seen people build long-term sobriety by being kicked out of the house or having their partner move out. Lots of people get sober for their families, and others do it to stay out of jail. Many pilots, doctors, and other professionals end up jumping into sobriety not "for themselves" but to keep their licenses.

What to do instead: Set boundaries. Hold them. Move out. Do not worry about "making them do it for them," make the request and provide consequences in your relationship for not fulfilling that request.

6. A Stint at Rehab will Fix It

Alcohol and Substance use disorder is an incurable, progressive disease. It can be put into remission, but it cannot be cured or removed. That's why you'll find people with 30 years of continuous sobriety still going back to 12-step meetings. Instead of thinking of going to treatment as an intensive way to kill the disease of alcoholism, consider that it's an intensive training program for a marathon. At the end of their stay in treatment or any recovery program, they're now ready to start the marathon, not finished with what they need to do.

The statistics don't lie: it is estimated that upwards of 85% of people with alcohol use disorder who go to treatment relapse within their first year.

What to do instead: While most people do relapse, the statistics for people in recovery from alcohol use disorder are not dissimilar from people in recovery from heart disease. If you work a long-term program consistently, listen to the professionals, and do what they suggest, you will be part of the 15%. Plan for the long term. Your loved one will need various levels of support for years to come.

If you can't tell, with all of this, the real key is: you don't have to do this alone. I'm here to help and I'm happy to do it. Book a call with me. It's free, and this is hard work.